Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The 8 Most Impressive People Under 20

It's a bit humbling when I think back to what I was up to as a teenager compared to where these young individuals are at.

Marco Lunz, 18: German socialite and heir to the Heinz fortune, Marco does for Munich what Paris Hilton does for Hollywood. Sole beneficiary of a $400 million prosperity, the young cosmopolitan aspires to someday become a respected philanthropist and patron of the arts. "Though I have no great skills or personal ambitions per se, I do have some talent for recognizing deserving groups and individuals. " To date, Mr. Lunz has made significant donations to such organizations as The National Organization of Restoring Men as well as Plain English Campaign and The Upright Citizens Brigade.

Jeun Bee Choi, 19: An artist bored with tired trends and forms, Jeun Bee was on a mission to find a new creative medium. "I feel like art, as we've experienced it thus far, is for the most part primitive. I believe that true art, in its noblest form, has something to do with silence." Ms. Choi's motto is "sufficient in my Suchness", a phrase that refers to being without pretention--as are elements of nature, inanimate objects, the calm ruffles of a coat sleeve, things that in their natural way are more perfect, more beautiful than any trying creature could ever mean to be. "I've come to the conclusion that quiet is the only truly beautiful thing that somone still attached to their ego can be."

Lin Chongo, 19: Born on the first orange moon in the 89th year of the 20th Century to a pair of nomadic Hebrew-Chinese parents, Chin marks the exact second of his birth to be the very hingepoint of the 'great cosmic transition'. "This is where everything in existence was lumped into either half of two opposing sides represented by the yin and yang life forces. And I am the presiding yingmaster, a position my ancestral line had prepared for many generations. Who knew it would fall on a dude like moi."

Liz Berge, 16: Youngest member of Guiness to hold more than a dozen world records in unrelated categories. Claims to fame include, "Longest time spent repeating the same word without stopping (regatta, 85 hours)" and "Longest duration of This is the Song That Never Ends." Explains Ms. Berge, "I attribute my success as a record-holder to my appreciation for 'beautiful monotony'. I find magic in everyday life and feel that repitition is a trigger for enhanced perception."

Boon de Leon, 17: Boon is the last known descendent of Juan Ponce de Leon the famous Spanish conquistador of the 15th century. "I get a lot of attention due to my blood connection to the Ponce, but those who know me well will tell you that I absolutely do not know where his lost treasure resides. That is clearly certain. As they will tell you."

Mil Figgins, 14: If you've attended the Santa Rosa County Fair in Milton, Florida any of these past five years, chances are you've seen Figgins doin' what she does best. Five consecutive blue ribbons for a competition folks say didn't really even exist before Lil' Mil came around. And what exactly is her unique talent, you ask? "I can transcend space and time in order to reincarnate into various livestock." In her first three years of competition Mil reincarnated as a nanny goat, not realizing until her fourth year that she could do other animals as well. "I've done everything now from brown cows to Clydesdales to most varieties of sheep and even some sheep-goat hybrids." Witnesses say Mil's miraculous ability usually manifests as a flash of blue sparks followed by a wave of cold shivers that at once spread throughout the crowd.

Tymon White, 17: Founder and CEO of FlukeBrick.com, a Fortune 5000 company responsible for more artificial brick materials sold in 2006 than any of its competitors combined. "When I was 15 I recognized the increasing need for fake bricks due to the high risks involved with using real bricks. My company cut the ribbon before my 16th birthday and the rest as they say is history."

Joanna Newsom is an elf or some similar type of fairytale entity. I know this makes me sound like some kind of weird conspiracy theorist or something, but I am not accusing her of anything that she should feel ashamed about. Come out of the woodland creature-closet Joanna!

Jeff Metzner, 18: Jeff is the younger brother of my old college roomate. He has an inflated sense of self-delusion and unfounded confidence to excel in areas completely irrelevant to where his few abilities actually lie. What I can say about him is that he can kick anyone's ass in Minesweeper and is a fairly decent swing dancer. I told him I'd add him to this list if he fixed my computer.

1 comment:

rachel evelyn said...

joanna newsome. yes please.